Monthly Archives: April 2012

Stop Me Before I Plant Again

By | My Garden | 10 Comments

I have GOT to stop going to the farmer’s market. There are too many heirloom tomato plants.

Today I wound up with a Cherokee Purple (a legendarily delicious tomato!) and a thing called Black Elephant. “It’s ugly,” the nice young woman selling them said. “It’s like the Elephant Man of tomatoes,” said the nice young man with her.

“That’s fine,” I said. “My tomatoes are always ugly anyway, so now there’s an excuse.”

Really, though, how can I possibly resist a legendarily ugly tomato? It’s early, it’s delicious, it’s huge, and apparently it is hideous and cracked and lumpy and warped, even for an heirloom tomato, which are frequently a somewhat mutant breed. Being me, how could I not bring home and love the world’s ugliest tomato?

Unfortunately, this also leaves our tomato total at one Cherokee Purple, one Homestead, one Black Elephant and three Pink Brandywines.


“But Ursula,” you say, “last year you had ONE Black Prince and ONE Pink Brandywine, and you were overwhelmed with tomatoes. You couldn’t keep up.”

To which I say “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” and also that Kevin has vowed up and down to eat a tomato a day for lunch if that’s what it takes, since he totally instigated. I would have stopped at four, but he insisted on the Cherokee Purple, and they were next to the Black Elephant, which, as we have established, I could not hope to resist. We will have capreze until the end of the world.

He has also promised to learn to make tomato sauce and freeze it, which would be awesome if any of these were actually sauce tomatoes, but they’re actually all slicers. So, um. Salsa? Can you make salsa with a slicing tomato? Does salsa freeze well?

Anyway, Cherokee Purple are notoriously wimpy tomatoes, so it may die outright, and the Black Elephant is not all that productive (you can only produce so many gigantic fruits) and it’ll probably be a hot summer which slows down fruit set and oh god I’m gonna die in a hail of uneaten tomatoes.

Ground Control to Maj–HOLY CRAP!

By | Birds | 5 Comments

So for the last week or so, we’ve been catching sight of this young male turkey in the wooded area on the other side of the fence. He’s got the brilliant head, so we’re pretty sure he’s male, and he seemed to be lurking in the woods, livin’ the bachelor life, all that good turkey stuff.

A bit small, but a fine figure of a turkey, we thought. Surely he will have no trouble attracting some sweet young thing and all her friends to be his harem!

Today I got a look at the competition.


Tom is going to be single for a very long time.

The turkey strolling about twenty feet from the fence-line was like the Platonic ideal of a male turkey. He had an enormous belled chest and a stiffly fanned tail and his snood (the dangly bit off the beak) went on for miles. He was gigantic. He looked like every “before” Thanksgiving turkey picture¬† you ever see, and he hasn’t even gotten to the fattening up stage of the year yet. This guy was solid testosterone and feathers. If I were a female turkey, I would have thrown my panties at him. Even out here on a completely different trunk of the evolutionary thicket, I felt a bit of a twinge. I’ve been on dates with guys who had less going on than that turkey.

Obviously this is “Major Tom.” (I guess that makes me Ground Control.)

I wasn’t able to get Kevin to a window fast enough to see him, but hopefully he’ll be back. Preferably not when the beagle is out. That bird would eat Gir for lunch and spit out the bones afterwards.

I feel a bit of a pang for Tom the Lesser, but…well…dayum.